Who Wants To Be A Sith Apprentice (Anyway)?
by Ravenclaw Midnight Blue
Summary: Set after Episode 1. In the wake of Darth Maul's death, Darth Sidious is looking for a capable new Sith Apprentice. However, the interview process proves to be far more problematic and torturous than he had planned for... Featuring an appearance from Death from the Discworld novels in Chapter Four. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

_**Who Wants To Be A Sith Apprentice (…Anyway)?**_

_Author's Notes: Title inspired by the game show 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'_

_For those unfamiliar with the Discworld novels, the character of Death speaks in capital letters (and without speech marks) – so please don't think that I am shouting in the story!_

Year: 32 BBY (Before the Battle of Yavin)

A few months after the close of Episode 1…

**Chapter One: **

**The First Candidate**

"Installation Kappa Omicron 100 to Shuttle Delta 2. You are cleared for entry at Hangar One."

"Roger, Roger," replied the co-pilot, who then froze as he saw the bulbous eyes of the pilot seated next to him. The expression on the other Neimoidian was giving him what had to be a withering stare.

"What?" asked the co-pilot.

"Just say: 'Acknowledged. Wilco. Over and out! Whatever! _Not_ 'Roger, Roger', you dolt! We are _not _battle droids!"

"Can't I have even a _little_ fun, doing this boring job?" the co-pilot protested. His grey face was unable to flush red. Instead, it turned a darker shade.

"Silence! Let us concentrate on landing this craft smoothly. Then we can be rid of that freaky-looking, red-eyed guy in the back…"

The Neimoidian shuttle approached the newly-built, white-coloured station that was situated in mid-space. As they turned the craft in on the allocated approach, the forcefield entrance to Hanger One came into view…

*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*

Some minutes later, four red-clad guards were escorting the tall, bulky male passenger from the shuttle. They passed along a series of gleaming white corridors and past a couple of well-guarded checkpoints. Finally, the captain of the escort operated a door with his electronic key. As the door slid open, he gestured with his head towards the half-lit chamber beyond.

The passenger could not see the expressions on the faces of the guards. They wore crimson masks that blended with the rest of their long red battle-suits and scarlet cloaks. Only a narrow, dark visor allowed the passenger any chance of seeing their eyes – but he saw only saw a dark slit.

_Never seen that before. Must be a new uniform…,_ thought the visitor.

"In you go, Citizen Ameel," the captain gruffly announced through his mask.

The burly, blue-skinned arrival nodded back down at the captain, who stood a head below him. Then, cracking his wide knuckles, the Chiss visitor bent down and passed through the doorway, which resealed itself behind him.

The visitor remembered to straighten himself up. The chamber – like the corridors – was tall enough, even for him… But the doorways required a little care…

He turned and quickly checked over the door. The voices of the red-clad guards, and the hums of their consoles could not be heard. It was a sound-proof barrier.

Satisfied, the Chiss looked around the chamber – then frowned, seeing that he was alone. The only feature of note, amidst the dimly-lit, rectangular room was a wide dais at the far side. There was also a comfortable-looking red seat placed before the dais, facing it.

There was no sign of any other exits.

The visitor grunted, and checked the time on his wrist monitor. He was on schedule – so where was the one that he was supposed to meet?

Panicking a little, he put down his bulky-looking travel bag, and pulled out from his sock the list of instructions he had received…

The dais lit up with a sudden 'hum'. A flickering blue column of light reached down to the glass circle on the dais from the projector overhead. Within the projected image, a cowed figure, arms folded together, was staring at the arrival.

"Welcome, my Chiss friend. Be seated."

The voice of the hooded host was calm, but authoritive. It conveyed the tones of a man with many years behind him. A man who was used to being obeyed without question.

The visitor grunted again and sat on the provided chair. From his end of the holo-relay, the host appraised the younger male. Taller and more muscular than the average Chiss, the candidate looked like he could snap a man's neck with his bare hands. Indeed, he had done just that to some of the battle droids sent to hunt him down, within the secret testing ground on Neimoidia. The rest of the robot squad had perished, due to the Chiss's skill with a minimum of weapons, plus the use of the lightsaber he had managed to track down, as part of his physical trial.

The lightsaber itself had been returned to the Neimoidian overseers at the end of the trial, of course. The prize of having the lightsaber for keeps could only go the next successful Sith Apprentice…

Yes… Physically, the Chiss candidate looked promising, the Dark Lord of the Sith thought to himself. But it was now time for the interview, so that he could be certain…

Then the candidate spoke.

"Ur… Are you Darth Sniffious, then?"

The creeping smile on the hooded figure's face abruptly vanished. The candidate's flat voice did not…bode well. The Sith Lord could not have known it – but the voice of the Chiss visitor was somewhat similar to the Abominable Snowman in a certain Earth cartoon featuring Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck…

"I am Darth _Sidious!_ Do not get my title wrong again! And you are Citizen Ameel. Correct?"

"Uh, yes. Ordo…"

"Although what?"

"No! _Ordo_. That's my first name. I am Ordo Ameel. I know I just put 'Ameel' on me application form – but my mother told me, if I ever found myself going for a big job I had to be honest at the interview."

"Ah, yes… If I remember correctly, your application form was written in blood…"

The candidate gave a moonbeam of a smug smile and nodded. His blue-skinned head bobbed. "Used the blood of a Chiss rat, sir. Though that it would make me form stand out…"

"Too true it did…," Sidious muttered. Then, speaking louder, he raised his lowered face towards the candidate. "So… Let me get this straight. Your full name is…"

"Ordo Ameel, sir."

The future tyrant of the galaxy rolled the name around in the dark recesses of his mind, and then scowled. "That is not a suitable name for a Sith Apprentice."

"Huh? Why not, sir?"

"Because it sounds like 'order a meal'!"

"Uh, well... I do eat a lot to maintain my strength, sir. So it's only fitting…"

"That is enough. I will have to call you 'Citizen Ameel', for now…"

"Or you can use me nickname, if yur like, sir. My tribal folk used to call me 'Wird Hatt'.

"Wird…?" echoed Darth Sidious, not certain if his cloth-hidden ears were working properly. "Do you not mean 'Weird'? W-E-I-R-D?"

"Uh, no sir. My tribesfolk weren't that well educated, when it came to learning Galactic Basic Standard. They spelt it W-I-R-D. And 'hat' with two 't's."

Sidious raised a hand above his face and rubbed his forehead, feeling somewhat taken aback by what Ameel was telling him. "And…why, _pray_…, did your people give you such a nickname?"

"Huh-huh! I'll show yur, sir." The red eyes of the Chiss candidate did not exactly light up – but they seemed to widen and turn a shade paler. He rummaged in his huge travel bag. An assortment of items were emptied out, including a sleeping bag, a packet of tablets, and what seemed to be a souvenir model of the Royal Palace of Theed, on Naboo. With the price ticket still attached.

"Um, sorry… It's dropped down to the bottom. Ah, here it is…" With his gaze focused on the depths of his bag, Ameel did not take in the sight of the holo-Sidious rubbing his face with growing consternation…

By the time the Dark Lord of the Sith had dared to look at Ameel again, he was startled to see the smiling blue-skinned candidate wearing a silver helmet, complete with Viking-style wings.

Sidious eventually managed to speak. "What in Bane's name…?"

"It's me lucky charm." Ameel beamed. "I wore it during me physical trial. Saved me from 'em droids shooting at my head. Had it given to me by me family, when Pappa died. It was his, yur see. But thur tribefolk didn't seem to think much of it, and called me 'Wird Hatt' from that time on…"

"Take…it…off," Sidious rasped.

The goofy smile on the Chiss's face dropped like a stone. "Uh. But it's me good luck charm, sir! Can't I wear it for this interview?"

"At this moment, you don't need luck. You need a miracle…," Sidious hissed, his thin lips trembling. He raised his voice. "Put…it…away!"

Looking like a kid deprived of his favourite toy, Ameel sullenly re-stuffed his helmet into his travel bag.

"And those tablets…? What are they?" The Sith Lord pointed at the box he had spotted, still lying on the floor from Ameel emptying out his bag.

"Uh. They're to guard against travel sickness during space flight, sir. I get it bad, sometimes."

The cloaked holo-figure was deathly silent for a long moment. Then he slowly spoke, carefully weighing his words. "You do realise that a requirement of the job of being a Sith Apprentice is that there will be a _lot_ of travel involved?"

"Uh… Yes, sir! It's one of the reasons that got me applying…"

"_Why_ do you wish to be trained in the ways of the Sith?"

Ameel's blue face regained its wide smile. "Too many people have scorned me in my life, sir. Thought I wouldn't amount to much."

"Really? You do surprise me…"

Not picking up on the sarcasm in the Sith Lord's voice, Ameel babbled on. "But I want all those who scorned me to know that I'm not only strong with the force, me is also deadly when I'm swinging a lightsaber around! Hur-hur! I loved seeing 'em droids fall apart into little bits. Oh. And I wanna be a Sith, so that I can slaughter the natives of Favoss."

"Favoss? I have never heard of such a planet…" Sidious frowned.

"Not planet, sir. It's the province next to the one me hometown's in. They keep beating us in the inter-province games – especially the shooting events and the quizzes. I don't wanna kill all of the Favossians, o'course. Just enough to wipe out their best shots and the brainy ones. Wanna teach 'em a lesson."

_I feel like teaching _you_ a lesson, right now…!_

The Sith Lord resisted the impulse to end the conversation there and then. Instead, he took in the sheet of paper on the arm of the candidate's chair. A suspicion gnawed at him.

"That…paper…" He pointed to it. "What is it…?"

"Ur, the instructions for meeting you here, sir. I wrote them down…"

"You received those instructions, whilst in Republic space… And what name…did you write down as your appointment on that sheet?"

"Um, Darth Sniffious, sir."

"You…_idiot! !" _Sidious raged. "I have taken pains to ensure that the Republic forces, including the Jedi, have no idea of this meeting. Only my private staff, sworn to secrecy, know of your arrival here! And you pass through Republic space customs, with a set of instructions to meet me, with my title on them? Contrary to the instruction that you were to come here, 'with total discretion'! ?"

"Urr… Sorry, sir! I forgot 'bout the discretion bit." Ameel then smiled. "But none of them custom officers found da' instructions on me. They didn't think of looking in the socks I had on at the time…"

"Enough!" Sidious was grateful that he was wearing a hood, as he suddenly had the near-overwhelming urge to tear at his hair. He disappeared momentarily. Seconds later, he reappeared. In the meantime, a hidden door was slowly sliding aside – close to the holo-dais. He had just gone to activate the control.

"Go to the…waiting room…beyond. You will find machine facilities for food and drink. I will speak again with you…later."

Ameel's face winkled in confusion. "Uh? But I've got more to say! Is thur interview over?"

"Did it even really begin?" Sidious rasped. "Now – be gone!"

With a puppy-dog look of rejection on his blue face, Ameel stood up and started shuffling to the previously-hidden door.

"Hurry up! And _take_ your bag and helmet with you! !" The Dark Lord of the Sith rolled his eyes.

"Oh! Urh… Sorry." Raising his hand, Ameel focused on his travel bag. After a few twitches, the bag shot across the chamber and into the Chiss's grasp. Then he quickly pedalled through the doorway like a berserk wind-up automaton that had been let loose – remembering just in time to duck his head. The sliding door resealed itself behind him.

Sidious gave a sigh of exasperation. Ameel had performed impressively in his physical trial – having the capability, agility, and potential with a lightsaber – as well as promising abilities in the use of the Force. If he did not have all of those factors, he would have been killed during his gruelling test.

However, it was now clear that Ordo Ameel, in the mental stakes, would struggle to meet the expectations required of a Sith Apprentice…

The future galactic tyrant contemplated to himself. In the room where he physically was, he remembered a little-known Sith tradition that you could sometimes reveal a person's identity by rearranging the letters of their given name. Reaching for a nearby pen and paper, the Sith Lord calmed his nerves by toying with a series of letters, written in a circle.

After a few minutes, he gave a sharp, humourless laugh. "Figures," he muttered under his breath, as he gazed at the heavily-jotted sheet in his hand. He had managed to re-arrange 'WIRD HATT' into 'DARTH WIT'.

"Half-wit, more like!" Sidious snorted. He slammed the pen and paper back onto the desk.

_Just as well I have other candidates to interview,_ he thought to himself. _The next one should be here within the hour…_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: **

**The Second Candidate**

_Author's Note: I know people are reading this story. Thank you. Please review!_

Candidate Number Two walked into the interview chamber at the allocated time. Dressed in a tunic, trousers, and boots that were all jet-black, the yellow eyes of the latest arrival peered from within a grey-brown cranium with bony protrusions, taking in every feature within the dimly-lit room.

From his location, Darth Sidious re-activated the holo-link. His blue, flickering image appeared on the dais before the candidate.

"Ahh… Welcome, my young friend. You are the one who is named Korrel?"

The newcomer gave a stiff nod. "I am Korrel – but _not_ from Corellia." A feminine simper came from her pale lips.

Darth Sidious was silent. Korrel, picking up on his reaction, gave a nervous cough. "Apologies, Great One. Old joke," she declared.

'_Great One…?' _The candidate was exceptionally respectful, and bore insight at least… Sidious felt the ends of his lips lift upwards with a flush of self-pride.

"No," he responded. "You are not from Corellia – but are a Dathomirian Zabrek, born on Iridonia – as was your cousin, Maul, who I trained in the ways of the Force."

"And because of his death, earlier this year, you believe that I have the potential to follow in his path and avenge his slaying?" Korrel's yellow eyes flashed with eagerness.

"That is my hope. Is it your desire to do so?" the Sith Lord put to her.

"Yes, Great One! I wish to devote my life to the same cause that Maul served. I too desire to become a Sith, and eliminate the Jedi!"

"Then your declaration is duly noted, Korrel. As your progress during your physical trial as also been noted." Darth Sidious gave a tight-lipped smile. "Now, be seated. I have many questions for you…"

Korrel sat on the provided seat before the dais, and the interview got underway. Though he hid it, Darth Sidious was pleased with the answers that Korrel came up with during the course of the next twenty minutes – including her statement of what abilities she would bring to the role of a Sith Apprentice, and how she would conduct assassinations and sabotage assignments. Like Ameel, she had proved adept at destroying the battle droids and other hazards out to kill her during her physical trial on Neimoidia. True, she was not as physically strong or intimidating as the Chiss candidate – but she was faster and more agile. Also capable with a lightsaber. And if she embraced the Dark Side of the Force, she too would be permitted to paint herself in the red and black colours that Maul had.

Finally, when she was asked about how she might herself plan to eliminate the Jedi _en masse_, Korrel had responded: "I would engineer a war, O Great One. A war where the Jedi are obliged to lead a Republic Army against the battle droids of the Trade Federation. That would wear down their numbers… And then maybe… Yes – get the armies to turn against the Jedi and finish them off."

Sidious was speechless for a long moment. His mouth hung open like a hungry dungeon Rancor expecting fresh food to drop by…

"Great One…?"

"You… You have been spying on me…"

"No, my Lord! How could I? I do not know of your identity. Why would you believe otherwise?"

He carefully read the expression of the Dathomirian. There was surprise etched there, yes. But not deceit. So he answered her. "Because I have already put into action the early stages of such a plan. You show promise, young Korrel. I plan to invoke a galactic war between the Republic and the Confederacy forces."

The face of the female candidate flushed at the compliment.

"Now, do you have any questions for me, my would-be apprentice?" Sidious relaxed.

Korrel nodded. "I will be expected to travel widely, in the cause of the Sith, will I not – Great One?"

The expression of her host darkened. "Don't tell me you also suffer from space travel sickness…?"

"Oh! I am sorry to hear of your discomfort, my Lord…!"

"_Not me!_ I was referring to the other…" Sidious caught himself, and quickly changed his words. "I was talking of…someone else," he huffed.

"Ah. Anyway, I do _not_ suffer space travel sickness, O Great One. But… I _will_ have a droid chauffer, won't I?"

Sidious frowned. He rubbed his temple with a raised hand "That…will not always be possible. Especially when travelling to Republic planets! Why do you ask?"

For the first time since she had made her entrance, Korrel looked nervous. Even…sheepish?

"Well… I _have _passed my Galactic Starship pilot's licence. But I get jitters about landing any craft I fly. And driving near asteroid belts always makes me queasy…"

_Then you will not like travelling to Geonosis… _Sidious's hand slowly moved to cover his face, as he silently cursed whatever god of misfortune was taunting him. He was starting to develop a headache…

_This interview had been going so well…_

"If you wish to prove yourself worthy to join the Sith, you will have to find a way to face your fears and overcome them!" he hissed through gritted teeth. "Now – any other questions?"

"None that I can think of, Great One." Korrel bowed her head, realising that she had disappointed her would-be-lord.

"There _is_ a god of mercy, then…" Sidious muttered lowly to himself.

"Oh! Sorry – there is something I should ask." Korrel was so agitated, she bolted to her booted feet from her seat.

The Dark Lord briefly shut his eyes, so that Korrel could not see him roll them into his head. "Yes! ? What is it?"

"This galactic-wide war you are planning for the future. It won't affect the planet Tynna, will it?"

"Considering there's an armed Trade Federation presence near to that system, I would not rule it out! Why is that of concern to you?"

Korrel bit her pale lips. "My sister and I run a garden centre business on the planet, Great One…"

"A…garden centre business?" Sidious echoed the candidate's words, not sure if he had heard her correctly.

"Why yes, my Lord! It has been the family business for generations. The grounds run for miles…"

"If war comes to Tynna, no one will pay regard to a…garden centre. Your sister will just have to uproot her business elsewhere!"

A shocked look flashed across Korrel's face. "She won't be able to do that! Many of the rare plant species my sister and I have been working on have delicate roots. And we provide most of the trade for fruits and buttonhole flowers in that sector of space."

"Then plan ahead for possible emergencies! Just…don't tell your sister that you will be involved in planning a war that could affect Tynna." Sidious felt his lip trembling in mounting anger. "Now, if that's the end of your questions…"

Korrel suddenly jerked her horned head up. "Oh! Of course! I meant to ask…"

"_What now! ? !"_

"If I am deemed worthy of becoming your apprentice…"

"Yeess…?" Sidious drew the word out, curling his lips.

"I don't want a red lightsaber. I'd rather have something more…unique!"

The Sith Lord started to make a choking noise, which was promptly followed by a bout of coughing. "Unique?" he finally managed to blurt out.

Korrel smiled. For a moment, her face looked like that of a little girl. "Yeah! How about a _brown_ lightsaber?"

"They don't exist! The crystals in lightsabers are such…"

"Or how about a lightsaber that changes colour when we fight. That would be…magnificent, Great One. I could build one like that, if you teach me how to…"

"The Sith wield…_red_ lightsabers! It is part of our culture. Our code! Red represents passion. Anger!" Sidious felt his face flush. Of course, with his blue holo-projection, Korrel could not see his scarlet hue.

"With respect, Great One, that does not make sense." Korrel bowed down on her knee upon the floor, head tilted forward in her fawning manner. "If I walk into a room and light up my lightsaber, everyone around will see me and say: 'Oh, look. It's a Sith!' That's no good if I'm posing undercover as a Jedi, now is it? Unless I kill all witnesses, of course… The Jedi have various coloured lightsabers. Why can't we?"

Sidious shook with barely-suppressed anger. "You…will…bare…a…_red_…lightsaber!"

The face of the Dathomirian shot up to face him, joy etched on her features. "I will! ? You are granting me the honour of being your Apprentice? Oh! Thank y…"

"You…! You..." Sidious's mouth moved up and down – but his voice failed to work for some moments. He shook his exposed fists. Then he operated the button for the secret door, and it slide into the wall. He made a concerted effort to speak.

"Go to the waiting room! I have another candidate to interview. _Then_ I will come to a decision!"

The eyes of the Dathomirian grew wider, as she realised her misreading of the situation. Then – bowing lowly – she rose, picked up her travel bag and disappeared into the corridor beyond. The door closed after her.

In the meantime, Darth Sidious switched off the holo-link and reached for a nearby cabinet. He was in dire need of a stiff drink. The alcoholic bottle nicknamed 'Essence Of Dead Gungan' had a pleasing ring to it…


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: **

**The Third Candidate**

Another hour later, the third candidate arrived in the interview chamber – having also been escorted there by the cloaked red guards. As the door sealed itself to behind him, the latest newcomer looked around, taking in every detail of the room.

He was of human stock, somewhat on the small size and plump. His tunic and clothes were of rich fabrics, and the cloak that he wore was gold-coated, with the inside formed by squares of various colours. The candidate's face bore a fine, straight nose, set underneath alert, twinkling blue eyes – but the flesh around his jaw bore witness to years of indulgence, and he had a double-chin.

The hologram of Darth Sidious shimmered into life again. With arms crossed and hands folded into the opposing sleeves, the Sith Lord addressed his last guest, eyeing him carefully.

"Welcome, Citizen Vardainth…"

"_Lord_ Vardainth. Please!" The third candidate smiled, simpering somewhat. His voice bubbled with a playful tone. "Of Naboo. And you must be Darth Sidious. _So_ pleased to meet you!"

"Very well. Lord Vardainth. I am indeed Darth Sidious, and…" The Sith Lord trailed off, frowning at his visitor's dress sense. "_Yellow _trousers? With…purple and pink boots…?"

"Do you like them?" Vardainth raised and bent one leg so that he could tap his hand against his boot. "Yellow and purple are the main colours of my noble family's insignia, as you may know. And the boots… Well, they are made of Korromium – a rare pink mineral with anti-magnetic properties, so that when I'm running across metal floors, I practically _glide_."

"I…see." Sidious was silent for a long moment. Then he pulled out a hand from his robe sleeves, and gestured to the chair before the dais. "Be seated."

Vardainth beamed, and flung himself onto the chair in such a way that his legs hung over one side, whilst he slouched over the other arm. He plopped the side of his head against the back of the chair.

Sidious felt his bottom jaw suddenly drop. He managed to pull it back up.

"That is no way to conduct yourself for an interview! Especially before me! Your _Lordship_," he berated the candidate. "And stop filing your nails!"

The newcomer sulkily faced the holocrom apparition. He replaced the nail file back in an inside pocket of his tunic. "Don't be like that! If you really wish to start the interview, you can speak to me without the pretence, you know."

"Wha…? What do you mean?"

"Well, you can try seating yourself at a table before me." Vardainth gave a wide smile.

"I…cannot. I am speaking to you from a secret location, in another star system."

"Many light years away?"

"Yes."

"Oh! Liar, liar. Pants on fire!"

Sidious felt his facial muscles tighten. "You…should show due respect if you…"

"Oh, come now! The movement of your mouth in the holo-link, and your speech are perfectly aligned! There is no delay whatsoever! _If_ you were really speaking from a distant star system, there would be a time delay between the visual aspect of the holo-communication and the audio. Even allowing for the hyperspace communication relays, there is _no_ possible way the speed of sound would match the speed of light. You are not far away – you are close by. Hiding!" Vardainth gestured with his small hands, waving at the air. "Why don't you come out?"

The Dark Lord of the Sith found himself unable to speak for a long, long moment. Then he reached for the control panel near to him, just beyond the dais where he stood in his private chamber. The holo-projection was abruptly cut out before Vardainth's languid, but watchful gaze.

Now with no one able to see or hear him, Sidious clutched at the hood covering his face. Tightening both fists around the dark cloth, he gave a loud cry of frustration.

"_AAAGGGHHH!"_

_So much for my attempts at interviewing with discretion…! Nevertheless, it is just as well that these rooms are soundproofed…,_ he reminded himself, as he sought to regain his composure.

_Focus! Deep, steady breaths… Clear your head, and be mindful! The interviews are _not_ yet over!_

After some moments, Sidious examined his hands, satisfied that there was no longer any trace of trembling. Resisting the urge to slam his head against the nearest wall, he took another deep breath – then walked slowly to one side of his darkened chamber, to operate a door control…

"Ah. There you are!" Vardainth exclaimed, the ends of his lips curled in satisfaction, as a second hidden door slide aside to reveal the Dark Lord of the Sith. The cowled figure walked unhurriedly across to the dais, as the door closed again – then he took his seat at the far side, facing the Naboo candidate.

"Congratulations on passing…the intelligence test," Darth Sidious declared, in an attempt to cover up his embarrassment on being found out. "Now let's start again. This time, with you showing due respect – and _putting your feet back on the floor!_"

Vardainth gave a look of indignation, and then slowly swung his body round so that he was sitting upright in the candidate's chair – the soles of his feet once more touching the dark tiles underneath him. A moment later, he frowned and cocked his head to one side.

"Can you hear voices?" he unexpectedly asked.

Sidious rolled his eyes. "I can hear you well enough…"

"No – I mean _other _voices. Here. In this room."

_Do I have a seer before me?_ Sidious was suddenly intrigued. Perhaps his Lordship could be of use in unexpected ways. He only hoped that Vardainth wasn't picking up on the spirit of Darth Plagueis, out to torment his former apprentice for killing him…

But Vardainth was now looking at a device stuffed into an inside pocket of his tunic, and the illusion was shattered…

"Oh! I _do_ apologise, Darth Sidious. I just accidently hit the play-button of my TIE-pod! On the shuttle, I was playing the vocal covers of 'Music From Mos Eisley's Cantinas." He quickly hit the off button of his portable music player, re-folded the earplug wires, and then recomposed himself in his chair.

Sidious was lost for words for some moments. Finally, he asked.

"Can I now…begin the interview properly?"

"Yes. Go right ahead!" Vardainth was smiling again.

"Good… Now, my first _formal_ question for you is, why do you wish to join the Order of the Sith?"

The other man had now leaned forward in his chair, and was starting hard at Darth Sidious. He started to absent-mindedly rub at a curl of ginger-brown hair hanging over his forehead. Silence followed.

"It is a simple enough question. Just blinkin' answer it!" Not for the first time that day, Sidious scrunched his hands into tight fists.

"What…? Oh, I'm sorry! I am _sure_ I know that nose and jaw line… Oh, of course! _That _explains why I recognise the voice of the red-cloaked guard captain. He's from Naboo, _as well_. Well… The answer to that question is probably the same as the one you would give yourself. I'm rather bored with the current political set up on Naboo and within the Republic Senate! I want a shake-up, some _fun_. And settle a few personal scores. And become a whizz with a lightsaber. Ah…, and to develop my budding potential in the Force, of course. I've also wanted to travel widely, in the duty of work, too."

"What…do you mean…about my nose and jaw line?" Darth Sidious muttered slowly. And ominously.

"Ha-hah! You can't fool me any longer. So don't try!" Vardainth wagged a finger at the Sith Lord. "I recognise you from our school days together! We were in the same sports class. I always thought those hurdles went down a little _too_ soon, when you were trying out for the five hundred metres. And your throws in basketball were rather too good to be true, as well – come to think of it… So you _cheated_, using the Force! Naughty, naughty." The candidate smirked. "We called you 'Pally' in those days. _Not _that you were very pally, though. Rather sullen, in fact…"

Underneath his hood, the future tyrant leader of the Galactic Empire-to-be felt the blood drain from his face. He had forgotten all about Vardainth being at his school. The man, of course, didn't use his family title, back then…

Abruptly, the Naboo candidate clapped his hands – then rubbed them, chuckling. "Well… This makes things a lot _simpler_. So, _Master_… When and where do you wish me to begin training?"

Sidious was jolted out of his thoughts by the sudden statement. Resisting the impulse to splutter, he held his tongue until he was sure he could make himself intelligible. More or less. "I…! I have _not_ ended the in-…the interview!"

"Oh, come now! I know who you are, _Lord Sidious_. I can see now that you're living a clever double life, and you need someone who is not just as good on all counts as I was in the physical trial – but also someone who is astute, and has a lot of political connections. Besides, I've been following your political career, _with_ _great interest_ – you could say. And I've uncovered some of your secret manipulations of the Republic Senate. I'm sure we are going to work together just fine – and I do so _admire_ a man like you!" Vardainth's beaming smile abruptly vanished. "I do have a suggestion to make though, Pally."

Sidious's dry lips were trembling. With some effort, he croaked. "And wh-what would _that_ be…?"

"You really should ditch that dark robe for another colour! It's too gaudy. Hmm… Lilac, perhaps? Personally, I would go for a delightful mixture. Orange and yellow striped silk robes would brighten up any room you and I step into. I'm the owner of a fashion outlet works, you should know. I'll soon be able to conjure up something bright, to compliment the red lightsabers. Then again…, perhaps we should alter the crystals to create a more striking effect when we go into battle… I know! We can make the beam take on rainbow colours… That will not only dazzle our enemies – they will also be confused as to working out if we are Sith or Jedi…!"

Darth Sidious bolted up so quickly, his seat tumbled over behind him. "I have had _enough__!_ There will be NO _rainbow lightsabers! !_" He thrusted his raised arms towards Vardainth, and a zig-zag lattice of lightning burst forth from his fingers – some of it slamming into the Naboo noble. He cried out in agony, and shock – eyes widening and scorched skin blackening. The chamber was filled with ozone and the stench of burnt flesh and clothing…

Vardainth tried to Force Push the other man away – but he was already too weakened. Trying to escape the Force Lightning, his knees buckled and he collapsed to the floor in front of his seat…

The storm of crackling light and ozone ceased. Sidious rasped, his chest rising and falling as his fury began to abate. The candidate's fallen form sparked with the residue of the electricity directed at him. Then all became silent and still.

He kicked at the Naboo nobleman. Vardainth's eyes and mouth were wide open. Fixed in a moment of everlasting terror. With a careful tweaking of the Force, Sidious managed to slam the candidate's mouth firmly shut.

_At last…_

Sighing with relief, the Dark Lord considered his next move. Vardainth had been the last candidate invited to interview. All of the others who had taken part in the physical trial had perished in it.

Apart from Ordo Ameel and Korrel…

Moving back to his secret room, Sidious returned to his pen and paper, frowning. He wrote down Vardainth's title in capital letters and did a quick rearrangement, letting himself be guided by his intuition. Dropping the 'Lord', he came up with: 'DARTH VAIN'.

"_That_ would never do!" he snorted.

Yes, Vardainth had indeed been foolish to think that he could blackmail a Dark Lord of the Sith into taking him on as an apprentice.

Sidious was still fuming. He had such hopes for the candidates that his agents had referred to him. But the interviews had been…disturbing…to say the least.

In fact, he would go so far to say that things had NOT gone according to his design…

Drumming his fingers on the table, the Sith Lord abruptly turned and headed for the room where the remaining two candidates had been directed to.

He had made up his mind…


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: **

**Death, Darth, And Deluded**

When Darth Sidious entered the waiting room, Ameel and Korrel both got to their feet – surprise, and expectation, on their faces.

"Great One! You are actually _here!_" the Dathomirian breathed, her eyes wide with delight.

"Yes! I am here. No – do _not_ kiss my hand. Or my robes!" Sidious snapped at Korrel, as she fell to her knees in front of him and tried to make intimate contact.

"Um… Sir? Yur never said anything 'bout your last apprentice being sliced into two! Da lady here told me. Are we allowed tur take out personal health insurance with this job…?"

"Be silent, Ameel!" barked Sidious. "I have come to announce my decision as to who will become my next apprentice."

Both the Chiss and the Dathomirian locked their attention on him, with baited breath.

"Ameel. Kneel before me." Sidious beckoned to him with one hand.

With his red eyes widening with delight, the Chiss candidate gave Korrel a smug grin. Then he got onto his knees on the fine carpet of the lounge-like room. His head, bent forward, was level with the other man's chest.

"Now, I will knight you…" Sidious pulled his lightsaber out from his belt, and activated it. The red beam – the colour of a true Sith – hummed into place, turning the face of the blue-skinned mountain of a Chiss somewhat purple.

"Thank yur for choosing me, sir," said Ameel.

"The pleasure is…all…_mine!_" And with a lift, followed through with a 'swish' and a strong, energetic sideways stroke, Darth Sidious decapitated Ordo Ameel.

There was the briefest of loud screams, which was – literally – cut off. The blue-skinned head then flew through the air and bounced off Korrel's plate of biscuits on the coffee table in the seating area, before coming to rest on the floor. Korrel looked longingly at her interrupted snack – then, shuddering, decided to dump the contents in the refuse bin. Next, she hesitantly approached the severed head. Gingerly, she picked it up, noting that the heat of the lightsaber cut had cauterised the wound, leaving no bleeding. She turned the head round, so to take in the face of her fallen fellow candidate…

She gasped, and dropped the head in shock. A jammy dodger was wedged halfway in Ameel's mouth. Somehow, he had caught it in-between his teeth, during his flyby impact.

Korrel spun round. Ameel's headless body was sliding off Darth Sidious's robe as she watched. He kicked at it, and the Chiss's torso slumped over, hitting the carpet with a 'thud'.

"Stupid to the end, was he!" Sidious rasped, switching off his lightsaber. He paused, frowning. Muttering more to himself than to Korrel, he added: "I am picking up bad habits from a certain Jedi Master, in my anger! I'll start again. Ameel was stupid to the last."

Korrel bowed down before him. "You are wise, Great One. I take it…that I am to become your new apprentice?"

Sidious shifted his attention to the Dathomirian candidate. He gave the ghost of a smile. "I certainly have a plan in mind for your future, Korrel."

He raised his hands towards her. Suddenly, the bone-headed would-be Sith was yanked upwards a couple of feet. She gave a startled cry – then began choking as she felt a crushing pressure on her neck and throat. Korrel tried to summon up her novice abilities of Force Push and Force Pull to unbalance the cowled man and break his Force Choke on her. It was to no avail.

Korrel's blood pounded in her head. Her vision swam, and the oxygen reaching her lungs and brain steadily dwindled. "No…! Wh-why?" she managed to gasp.

"You would be a poor substitute for your cousin, Miss Garden Centre, _I-want-a-brown-lightsaber_, wretch!" Sidious spat. He concentrated and increased the pressure on her. "My plan for your future is simply death!"

Seconds later, Korrel dropped down with a second 'thud' upon the lounge carpet next to Ameel's headless bulk. Both of them now ex-candidates – united in defeat.

_At least I won't have to worry about having the floor washed…,_ Sidious noted._ Now, once I've got my personal guards to dispose of the bodies, I will have to decide where to go from here…_

He froze on the spot, and sharply looked up and across to the door that connected the lounge to the interview chamber.

_Strange… I feel something in the Force. Coming this way…_

Sidious walked over to the door, his hand on his lightsaber hilt, ready to switch it back on if necessary. The door slid open upon his approach, and a tall figure in a dark cloak half-walked, half-_glided_ into the lounge. It was carrying some wooden weapon, with a metal blade set in the upper section.

The Sith Lord stepped back, in confusion. He blinked - then found his voice. "I was…not aware that I had a fourth candidate. My apologies. I will have to strangle my secretary, later."

I'D RATHER YOU DID NOT. YOU HAVE GIVEN ME ENOUGH WORK TO DO, COMING ALL THE WAY OUT HERE, the figure declared in a _basso profundo_ voice that seemed…somehow unnatural.

Sidious scowled. "_Given_ you…work? I will need to interview you first, before I can possibly offer you the vacancy. I must warn you. You will have to be…more impressive…than those idiots." He gestured to the two corpses in the lounge, and then added: "However, I do approve of the dark cloak and your skeleton mask, I have to say. _That _is a worthy way to conjure fear in the enemies of the Sith."

YOU MISUNDERSTAND. I HAVE NOT COME HERE FOR ANY…VACANCY. I HAVE A FULL-TIME POSITION, AS IT IS, the newcomer solemnly intoned.

Uncertainty gnawed and gradually grew in the mind of Darth Sidious.

"Who…are you? How did you…get in here?" As he finished speaking, he was shocked to hear some creature making a drawn out noise from the direction of the interview chamber. It sounded like _"N…a…y!"_

"What the…?"

THAT WILL BE BINKY, MY HORSE. I'VE TOLD HIM TO WAIT IN THE ROOM WHERE YOU KILLED THE FLAMBOYANTLY-DRESSED ONE, WHILST I COLLECT THE SOULS OF THESE TWO UNFORTUNATES, HERE. The skeletal figure paused, and then added. YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF WIZARD TO SEE ME. I WONDER… CAN YOU ALSO SEE THE SOULS OF THOSE YOU SLEW?

Sidious turned, following the direction of the extended bony finger, which was pointing at the bodies of Ameel and Korrel. There was nothing else to notice about them. "I see…nothing," he admitted.

THAT RED-EYED FELLOW IS RATHER CROSS WITH YOU. HE'S TRYING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, AND IS PUZZLED AS TO WHY HE'S NOT CONNECTING, the strange visitor elaborated. THE LADY, MEANWHILE, IS CRYING BECAUSE SHE IS TRYING TO GET BACK INTO HER BODY, BUT KEEPS GETTING FORCED BACK OUT. AND IF YOU CANNOT SEE THEM, THEN YOU THEREFORE CANNOT SEE THE SPIRIT OF LORD VARDAINTH, BESIDES ME.

"Er… No." The anger flared up again in him. "You did not answer my questions!"

DIDN'T I? I AM SORRY. I FLEW IN ON MY HORSE, AND WE ENTERED THIS…SPACE STATION…VIA THE WALLS.

Sidious was thoroughly perplexed by now. "Flew…? _Through_ the walls, without activating the detectors or alerting the guards? And what…is a horse?"

AHH… BINKY AND I ARE NOT SUBJECT TO YOUR LAWS OF PHYSICS. I WOULDN'T DWELL ON IT TOO MUCH…

"Will you stop talking _in Capital Letters! ?_" Sidious bellowed, his face reddening once more.

The stranger tilted his 'face' slightly. The hollow spaces that were the eye sockets seemed to pierce into Darth Sidious's mind. The Sith Lord had by now noticed that the other…being…never seemed to move his mouth whilst speaking.

In fact, he was becoming certain that the figure was not wearing a mask, after all. His latest visitor was…most disturbing.

CAN YOU FIND IT WITHIN YOURSELF TO STOP BEING A MANIPULATIVE DARK LORD OF THE SITH?

Sidious took a deep breath to quail his temper. He pursed his lips, and – keeping his tone level – replied, "No!"

EXACTLY. NOR CAN I STOP SPEAKING LIKE THIS. IT IS IN MY NATURE.

"Your nature…? Who…or _what _are you?"

OH… BOTHER. THERE I GO AGAIN. I HAVEN'T INTRODUCED MYSELF, HAVE I? I AM DEATH.

The Sith Lord felt a chill run through his entire body, and he staggered back in alarm. Activating his lightsaber, he gave a battle cry and raised his blade – then swung it sideways through the intruder…

"Yaagghh!" Sidious panicked as he nearly lost his balance with the follow-through of his attack. There had been no resistance to his stroke – as if he had been striking at thin air…

DO YOU MIND? THAT WAS RATHER…TICKLISH. The eye sockets of the skeletal being had somehow narrowed. It was…scowling…at him?

"How…?"

I TOLD YOU. I AM NOT SUBJECT TO YOUR PHYSICAL LAWS. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN KILL DEATH?

Sidious was silent for a moment. Then he gave a slow, half-hearted guffaw. "Ha…ha…ha."

I AM AFRAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND…

The future Emperor sneered. "I just wanted to truly say to my friends that I have laughed in the face of death."

AH... I SEE. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. NOT REAL ONES, ANYWAY.

Sidious reluctantly conceded that Death had a point there. Not that he was going to verbally acknowledge it. Feeling rather foolish for his failed attack, he switched off his lightsaber.

"I sensed a disturbance in the Force as you approached…"

THE FORCE?

"Yes – the essence of all living things in the universe! That which Jedi and Sith are more receptive to…"

YOU COULD NOT HAVE SENSED _ME_ APPROACHING. I AM NOT A LIVIN' THING. THOUGH I DO RATHER LIKE THE SONG…

"What…?"

SORRY. I DIGRESS. THAT IS SOMETHING YET TO BE MADE. ANOTHER GALAXY ALTOGETHER, IN FACT. ANYWAY, I THINK THAT YOU MERELY SENSED THE SPIRIT OF LORD VARDAINTH, WHO YOU ELECTROCUTED. I HAVE ALREADY COLLECTED HIS SPIRIT, AND HE IS STANDING BESIDES ME RIGHT NOW…

"I'm _sooo_ glad that I cannot see or hear him," Sidious muttered.

YES. HE'S NOT HAPPY ABOUT BEING IGNORED… WHAT'S THAT, MY GOOD MAN…? Death cocked his head to one side. AHH…YES, HE'S ALSO RATHER ANNOYED THAT YOU FRIED HIM, AS WELL… ANYWAY, I MUST PRESS ON WITH MY WORK…

"You will _not_ collect me…" Sidious bared his hands before him, ready to unleash more of his Force Lightning, in case the Shadow of Death fell upon him. Except that the robed skeleton did not _seem_ to be casting a shadow…

AGAIN, YOU ARE DELUDED. I HAVE NOT COME TO COLLECT _YOU_. I NOW NEED TO GATHER THE SOULS OF ORDO AMEEL AND KORREL. PLEASE STEP ASIDE, WHILST I SEE TO BUSINESS. THANK YOU.

Moving over to the fallen bodies of the other candidates, the black-robed manifestation of Death stopped. With a loud 'click' the metal blade of the staff opened up into a scythe, then – wielding the strange weapon he was carrying with his bony hands, the stranger 'swished' the curved blade over Ameel and Korrel, apparently cutting through something that was invisible to the Sith Lord. There was a brief flash of two motes of light joining another that was already positioned next to Death. The illuminations faded.

Feeling his fear giving way to fascinated curiosity, Darth Sidious stepped forward again.

"I…apologise…for my rash actions towards you. Perhaps you can be of service to me," he declared evenly. "I could pay you to visit certain Jedi and claim their souls…" Sidious considered his next words, frowning. "I will _not_ convey upon you the title of Darth Death, however…"

The visage of Death turned to face him. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND MY NATURE. I DO NOT KILL OTHERS, I MERELY EXAMINE THE HOUR GLASSES IN MY DOMAIN. THEY TELL ME WHEN SOMEONE'S LIFE IS ABOUT TO END. I THEN TRAVEL UPON BINKY, IN ORDER TO REACH THOSE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DIE, SO I CAN USE MY SCYTHE HERE TO CUT FREE THEIR EMERGING SPIRITS FROM THEIR FALLEN BODIES. THEN I TAKE THEIR SPIRITS INTO THE NEXT REALM – WHEREVER THEY ARE DESTINED TO GO. He paused. YOU, OF COURSE, WILL GO TO SOMEWHERE RATHER UNPLEASANT…

Sidious narrowed his eyes. "Do you know…when…I am destined to die?" he asked, fearing what he might hear.

But Death shook his head. IT IS NO TIME SOON, ALAS. IN THE MEANTIME, I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DID SOMETHING TO CURB YOUR TEMPER – INSTEAD OF SLAUGHTERING PEOPLE.

The Sith Lord snorted. "I would have killed the unsuccessful candidates, anyway! That was to be the price of their failure at the interview. Then no one would learn from them why they were here." He then added. "Not that those fools knew that in advance, of course."

AND YOU ENDED YOU KILLING ALL THREE, BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL…UNAPPOINTABLE.

"Yes! And then you showed up!"

THAT'S BECAUSE THE POWERS-THAT-BE HAD NOT YET APPOINTED THE DEATH OF HUMANOID LIFEFORMS FOR YOUR NEW SPACE STATION HERE – SO THEY HAD TO FETCH ME AT SHORT NOTICE. OH, WELL. AS LONG AS I CAN CLAIM TRAVEL EXPENSES, IN ORDER TO FEED BINKY…

"The…POWERS-THAT-BE?" _Dang!_ Thought Sidious. _Now he's got me speaking the same way…_

YES, ANYWAY I MUST GO AND TAKE THESE THREE SOULS TO THEIR AFTERLIVES. THEN RETURN TO THE DISCWORLD. Death paused. His skeletal hand reached inside his robes and pulled out an hour glass from within. He read out a name etched on it. HMM… VAYNA VEP. SO SHE'S ABOUT TO DIE, FOR THE SECOND TIME.

"Second…time?" queried Sidious, puzzled yet again.

YES. SHE WAS BLEEDING TO DEATH FROM A VAMPIRE BITE, ON THE FIRST OCCASION. SHE MADE A CHOICE I OFFRERED TO HER, AND I ENDED UP GRANTING HER A LIFE EXTENSION, AS A VAMPIRE HERSELF. TSK... I DID WARN HER THAT SHE HAD TO GIVE UP HER HUMAN HABIT OF SUNBATHING ON THE BEACH… ANYWAY, MUST DASH. COME ALONG, YOU THREE. NO BICKERING NOW…

And with that, Death turned away from Darth Sidious. The blade of his…scythe…somehow folded itself against the wooden handle, and the hooded skeleton with the profound voice glided through the closed door that led back to the interview chamber. There was a fading ripple in the Force, as the unseen spirits of the three deceased candidates followed in Death's wake. Sidious felt a brief stab of anger and fury directed at him – then nothing.

Silence fell in the lounge as the Sith Lord collapsed upon the comfortable sofa, his mind reeling. Amongst the various thoughts that were tumbling over in his head, there was the fact that the voice of Death had sounded somehow familiar. Those rich, melodious tones… Where had he heard them before? Thanks to his political connections, Darth Sidious had met a lot of people – and had listened to recorded footage of many more. In the Jedi Council and in various other associations and guilds within the Republic.

_Ah, yes… I remember now._

He carefully mulled over the new idea forming in his head, his lips curling into a hard smile. There was potential here. Someone who could be worthy of becoming his next Sith Apprentice. Someone with more clout than the dolts he had suffered today…

Sidious got up and walked over to the voice-activated computer in his private chamber.

"Computer. Access and display to me all available information on Count Dooku…"

THE END!

_Author's note: For those not understanding the end joke, in the animated version of the Discworld novel 'Soul Music', Death was voiced by the same actor as who played Count Dooku in Star Wars Episodes II and III – the wonderful Christopher Lee! Also, the incident of a candidate leaving their I-pod on during an interview, and consequently hearing voices, is based on an apparently-true story!_

_Please review! If any criticisms – make them constructive. Purely negative reviews will be ignored._


End file.
